Skinny Jeans?

...i knew i wanted to buy ellie black jeans because she already had two pair of bootcut blue jeans, but since i'd never purchased a pair of jeans for her at an actual old navy store--i get them at goodwill--i didn't realize there were so many styles to choose from...straight, flare, boot, skinny, slim...an entire wall of denim...an avalanche...i climbed the ladder to the top shelf and snatched a pair of size 5 skinny jeans and turned to my shopping companion, my hip sister-in-law..."do you think ellie would wear these?"

"jack loves his" she told me, referring to my nephew who is only a couple of years older than my daughter...

...with this endorsement, and since ellie loves leggings and tights, i bought the pants...and today sent her off to school in them...

...the popular style of pant when i was growing up in the eighties was tapered jeans...we'd fold over the narrow end, roll them, and scrunch two pairs of socks between the cuff and our vans...yep, that was fashion...but as i got older, i realized a big-butted girl like myself looked like an upside-down triangle in any pants...no need to accentuate the negative with tight denim...bootcut and wide leg pants became--and remain--my bffs...likewise, my husband prefers baggy levis called relaxed fit...we don't have the time or energy to squeeze ourselves into anything form fitting...

...i first noticed young men wearing peter pan jeggings in my writing classes...i usually don't pay attention to what my students wear, but when they sag them below their asses and bunch the tight cuffs at the ankle, i tend to raise an eyebrow...i never noticed my nephew wearing these pants, but when we returned from our shopping trip, sure enough, his jeans were tight from the ankle to above his navel (he likes to pull them up high)...and his father wore a similar pair...neither one of them sagged them, but they cut silhouettes like eggs on toothpicks...

...i pulled the new jeans from a bag and showed them to ellie who said "those look likes tights" and squealed with delight...

...last night we went through her drawers and found a t-shirt and sweater for her to wear with her new tight pants...they were similarly tight-fitting, so she wouldn't look like a box atop a straw...for some reason, i have an obsession with symmetry...large objects on the bottom, smaller--thinner--on the top...after she'd gone to sleep, i sat in the living room with adam and said, "when guys wear those jeans, where do they put their junk?"


"skinny jeans...when guys wear them, how do they situate themselves...they're like tights...where would you put it if you were wearing tights?"

"it's malleable, so it would" he shrugged "adjust"

"but wouldn't that be uncomfortable? rubbing against tight pants all day long?"

"how would i know? i don't wear them"

...we were watching a baseball game and i said, "the only men who should wear tight pants are football players...it makes them aerodynamic...and even baseball players' pants aren't that tight anymore...and they wear cups to keep themselves in place"

"isn't it just a trend?"

"but how did it get that way? what man saw a woman wearing tight pants and thought 'i want to wear those'?"

...adam had been trying hard not to laugh at how earnest i was being, but he couldn't hold it in anymore and he started rolling...

"i'm serious"

"i know" he said "that's what makes this so damned bizarre...why do you even care?"

"it just seems feminine...i'm all into bending, hell breaking gender roles, but this seems wrong somehow...i mean, if a guy is going to wear those pants he should don eyeliner, nail polish, and a guitar...and they should be leather"

"the guitars?"

"ha ha"

"maybe they just want to be in fashion"

...thinking back to my own cuffed pants and doubled socks, i decided to stop while i was ahead...but then i saw skinny jeans everywhere...in budweiser commercials, reruns of law and order, the opening sequence of boardwalk empire...am i the only person in the world who thinks steve buscemi looks like he's wearing clown shoes and a wooden promotional sign over his suit jacket as he walks up the beach?

...maybe it's my own self-consciousness over my large hips and calves...maybe i'm just jealous of tweens who can pull off tight pants and knee-high boots...maybe i just want my husband to have a little more style and show off his junk...but these skinny jeans just don't sit well with me...

...in my middle school years the style suddenly went grunge...jeans were ripped and loose overnight...i begged for a pair of distressed jeans...my grandmother's solution was to rip up a pair of second-hand jeans and in each hole sew a different color lace...while my trendy cousin wore doc martens, hip flannel and ripped jeans that flashed skin, my own pants sported pastels i was forced to pair with a collared shirt and keds...

...when i dropped off ellie this morning, i couldn't help but notice how cute she looked...if a little boy wanted to emulate her style, so be it...maybe now i can concentrate on the real problems that come with my daughter's growing up...


  1. show of his junk...hahahahaha love it. I so agree, I don't get it. Maybe (MAYBE) if you are like a 14-17yr old skinny boy and have (like you said) nail polish, preferably black, then I MIGHT say it's OK...? Not sure.
    I bet Ellie looked 4 (is she 4?) going on 12 in those jeans! Cute, cute.

  2. yep, she's 4...and yes, she strutted her stuff in those skinny jeans...

  3. Oh, lord. And all the low rise jeans for toddlers. Why, why why?