Dear Bob Costas,
Please return to your post as anchorman for NBC's coverage of the Winter Olympics. If I have to hear Matt Lauer's voice crack one more time as he talks about the men's figure skating competition I may have to board the last plane to Sochi and find a doctor who will drop his balls. And I don't have the time.
I don't mind your funky Harry Potter-esque glasses. And let's face it, my opinion is the only one that matters since I'm the only motherfucker in the world watching primetime coverage. Everyone else is recording through their DVR and fast-forwarding through Lauer's prepubescent voice, or they're watching live streaming at 2:30am, or they don't care about the Olympics because they're unpatriotic assholes. So it's just me. And I find those glasses kind of erotic, as in Walter Cronkite sort of sexy.
NBC is clearly trying to play off your eye trouble as a minor "infection," but I'm worried you picked up that retina-eating worm while you've been in Russia (or the Soviet Republic, or the USSR, or whatever the hell we're calling it now). Hurry up and get that thing laser zapped because I cringe at the thought of Matt Lauer's coverage of the men's hockey team's locker room.
The Only Person Watching NBC at 10:37pm