...i was with the in-laws this weekend... *INSERT PUNNY HELL JOKE HERE* ... really the time was calm and pleasant...as calm and pleasant as a house filled with 6 adults, 3 children--aged 5,3, and 1.5--and 1 dog can be...the whipped topping on that huge piece of metaphorical pumpkin pie was that my stuffing sent my father-in-law to the hospital...literally, i nearly killed him (by clogging yet another artery) with Mrs. Cubbisons ... he's on the mend now, though, so i suppose i'll have to try offing him again at christmas...
...while chopping onions for said lethal side dish, i saw a small, dark, glossy, rectangular piece of paper poking out from a larger stack of similar-sized, brightly colored booklets whose covers pontificated the virtues of one god or another...i tugged on the darker paper, only to find it too was a small booklet...on itscover were flames and huge font proclaiming "WHAT TO DO TO GO TO HELL!"...always looking for good advice, i opened it, and it was blank...
...call me an expert, but i happen to know it takes some effort to go to hell...just to piss people off enough so they say, "Go to hell!" is nearly an art form...and as we know, people are way less sensitive than most gods--especially those that claim to read your mind and damn you just for thinking hellish thoughts...but i digress...doing nothing is not exactly my idea of going to hell...in fact, i've tried my whole life very very very hard to do the exact opposite of nothing and i'm pretty sure i'm going to hell...
...i asked my mother-in-law if i could have the tract and she said, "sure. did you see the inside?"
...i love the holidays...
11.28.2011
11.08.2011
All I Want for Christmas is a Pair of Kwanza Socks
...i couldn't help but notice this weekend, as i pillaged my local grocery store for halloween candy remnants, that christmas is finally here...not to be outdone by the month-long celebration that is ramadan, american retailers have decided that we apparently need two months for christmas...we haven't even BOUGHT the trite turkey for the celebration of the slaughter of members of the Wampanoag tribe and already i'm subjected to a hillbilly rendition of Silent Night as i search for the frozen peas that are supposed to be on sale...
...so i figured, if i can't beat 'em (with a five foot long candy cane), i should add my tragically flawed two cents to the pot (talk about mixed metaphors)...i've been sitting on this little piece for a while now, perhaps hoping it would hatch...so maybe it's really about easter? who knows...as always, i welcome feedback and suggestions...
...so i figured, if i can't beat 'em (with a five foot long candy cane), i should add my tragically flawed two cents to the pot (talk about mixed metaphors)...i've been sitting on this little piece for a while now, perhaps hoping it would hatch...so maybe it's really about easter? who knows...as always, i welcome feedback and suggestions...
All I Want for Christmas is a Pair of Kwanza Socks
It’s that time of year again, when my mother-in-law displays all of her mangers and hides the baby Jesuses until December 25th. Five years ago, I first inquired about his absence and Donna said, “He can’t come out until he’s born.” I was tempted to ask her whether she had a figurine of Mary in labor, perhaps a small tape recorder that produced Mary’s voice screaming, “We’re never having sex again!” I kept my mouth shut. I’d only been married to her son for a month. Since she believes in immaculate birth I’m sure she thought there was time to annul our union.
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