13.1? John 3:16? Who is John Galt?

...a few days ago, i was driving along the 75 freeway and noticed a significant number of SUVs sporting oval stickers reading "13.1"...at first i thought this was a way of bragging about MPG...as in, "my suv gets 13 miles per gallon and to hell with your hybrid, you hippie shit bird"

...but knowing no one in their right mind would brag about sucking natural resources, i scrutinized other stickers affixed to these gas-guzzlers--who were passing me right and left--in an attempt to make sense of something i was clearly missing: a sign of the fish, upward sports, stick families...

...i came home and asked adam, "what is 13.1?"

"what're you talking about?"

"is there a secret christian society of suv drivers with two children and three cats, who play football and follow chapter thirteen, verse one?"

"of what? how should i know?"

"aren't you my authority on this?"

...as usual, my recovering baptist husband scoffed and rolled his eyes, meaning "you're-correct-but-i'm-going-to-act-like-you're-delusional-because-i-don't-know-the-answer"

...maybe these stickers are distant cousins of the sporting event signs reading "john 3:16"...which doesn't make sense to me...why would a football game attendee reference "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that everyone believing in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life"?...is this some voodoo to assure the quarterback isn't sacked? from keeping the right tackle from being hit by lightning?...even for someone who studies metaphor for a living i don't see what everlasting life has to do with football...and how is excluding an entire group of people--those who've never read john 3:16--contribute to the game?...essentially these signs say "if you don't think the way i do, you'll die"...are these 13.1 SUV drivers threatening me in the same way?

...i'm a college-educated person who's read Atlas Shrugged and thinks most people communicate via codes...so i did what anyone in my shoes would do when faced with something they don't understand...i googled it...

...strangely enough, when i typed in "chapter 13 verse 1" i got a hit for the bhagavad gita that read "Arjuna said: O my dear Krishna, I wish to know about nature, the enjoyer, and the field and the knower of the field, and of knowledge and the object of knowledge"...which sounds to me something way more appropriate for football than john 3:16...

...so, of course, i decided to search for 13.1 in every other religious text except the bible...

...from the qu'ran: "These are the Verses of the Book, and that which has been revealed unto you from your Lord is truth, but most men believe not"...sounds very much like john 3:16, so i got stuck there for a while looking at similarities between the qu'ran and the bible...

...from the tipitaka: "And the Blessed One, after having kept the vassa residence, thus addressed the Bhikkus: By wise contemplation, O Bhikkus, and by wise firmness of exertion have I attained the highest emancipation, have I realized the highest emancipation. Attain ye, also, O Bhikkhus, the highest emancipation, realize the highest emancipation, by wise contemplation and by wise firmness of exertion"...again, sounds appropriate for a sporting event...

...from 1 nephi, book of mormon: "And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, saying, 'Look!' And I looked and beheld many nations and kingdoms"...for a second, i was sad a man who believed in this verse didn't take the presidency...not really...

...apparently the communist manifesto has no thirteenth chapter...apologies to my faithful comrades...

...then i got bored and wandered back to the bible (wow, never thought i'd ever write that!)...this is the south after all, and the chances of someone celebrating a world religion are about the same as a baptist preaching at an al qaeda pep rally...

...i got tons of hits, obviously, because the bible--the new and old testaments--are broken into books with their own chapters, nearly each of which contains a thirteenth...ug...way too much to choose from, but here were some of my favorites...

...from 1 corinthians: "If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol"...this might work at high school half-time shows...

...from revelation: "And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and I saw out of the sea a beast coming up, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon its horns ten diadems, and upon its heads a name of evil speaking"...really digging the sy-fy-ness of this part...and sometimes when an SUV honks, it sounds like ten horns...

...from romans: "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities.  For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God"...sounds southern, wanting the government to be ruled by a christian god, rather than having separation of church and state...which is something else i just don't understand...most southerners want the government out of their lives, but if they want god in government, and god is such a big part of their lives, then wouldn't government be integral to their lives?

...my brain was starting to bleed at this point, so i googled "13.1 bumper sticker" which is what i should've done in the first place...and lo and behold all of these SUV driving, upward playing, fish emblem sporting, stick figure bragging people are simply pointing out they've successfully run a half marathon...really, that's it...no secret society, no metaphoric reference, simply a group of people who're proud of their training and dedication...

...boring assholes...

Breaking Up with Craigslist

...it's you, not me...sure, we've had a good relationship...you've provided me with glorious items for my home--love the suede sleeper sofa--and you've allowed me the space to sell the used baby stuff...and i've never had a strange, bad, or awkward encounter...

...that is, craig, until i posted a "looking for" advertisement...which read:

Looking for MLP Tea Pot Palace play set from smoke-free home. This toy is no longer made, and my little girl really wants it for Christmas. Please email me if you have it. Thanks!

...pretty innocuous...not a word about throbbing loins...

...yet you've spammed me with email responses containing self-photos of scantily-clad women, sporting fake nails and tans, holding up their iphone cameras in front of mirrors so i can see them in all their silicone glory...accompanying these photos are ridiculous pleas for attention akin to the worst dive-bar pickup lines...

...exhibit A, from Joswick Hegge:
Is your goods still on sale? Umm...this could be peculiar but you seem to be extremely hot in your listing. Would like to get together occasionally? I'm not a weirdo, just feeling naughty. If you're having thoughts, make contact with me on my private dating profile (it's like facebook for adults), at no cost to sign-up! My photos and my cell # are all on there. After you log on, Im going to send you a private message so you'll know it's me. There are too many fakes on here so if you're legit, text me and become buddies and maybe more? Don't be shy! Alright, I won't trouble you again! 

...exhibit B from Bickley Hopgood:
Hiya, is your stuff still available? I don't usually do this but you sounded sizzling in your list and I'm intrigued in you. I live close by and up for anything. My only fear is that you might be a scammer as CL is full of them. So if you're indeed real, can we chat on my profile page? It's the safest way and super discreet. I'll message you as soon as I see you sign in! ;) 

Only you'll be able to check out my photos and cell # on there so if you enjoy what you see, get hold of me. I apologize to hassle you...life is too short so I had to give this a try. I think you'll be astonished, see you! 

...perhaps i haven't made it clear, craig, that i'm not a sizzling hot, horny, lonely man...or maybe i haven't explained that i'm not looking for naughty sex, a chat, or private dating...nor have i made it clear that i don't have any stuff for sale...i'm simply "looking for" a my little pony tea pot palace play set from a smoke-free home...it's not code for anything...and i shudder thinking what "my little pony" might mean in sex-talk...likewise "tea pot palace"...put them together and perhaps what i've asked for, without my knowledge, is a woman willing to let someone stick the nozzle of a tea pot up her who-ha while whinnying like a horse...

...i wonder who you thought might answer email like these, who wouldn't see right through them for the virus-carriers they really are...poor craig...i had no idea this was what you were into...


...so there's no more confusion, darling, here's a picture of what i was actually looking for...notice there's not a single naked picture of me, or anyone else, as part of this toy...it is a tiny tea pot with an actual toy pony...

...i've since found the tea pot on ebay...and unlike you, he's assured me he won't spam me...

...because your white page with blue links will forever be synonymous with half-naked, middle-aged women who speak in platitudes, i'm not coming back...and i have a feeling, darling, you won't even notice i'm gone...