Breaking Up with Craigslist

...it's you, not me...sure, we've had a good relationship...you've provided me with glorious items for my home--love the suede sleeper sofa--and you've allowed me the space to sell the used baby stuff...and i've never had a strange, bad, or awkward encounter...

...that is, craig, until i posted a "looking for" advertisement...which read:


Looking for MLP Tea Pot Palace play set from smoke-free home. This toy is no longer made, and my little girl really wants it for Christmas. Please email me if you have it. Thanks!

...pretty innocuous...not a word about throbbing loins...

...yet you've spammed me with email responses containing self-photos of scantily-clad women, sporting fake nails and tans, holding up their iphone cameras in front of mirrors so i can see them in all their silicone glory...accompanying these photos are ridiculous pleas for attention akin to the worst dive-bar pickup lines...

...exhibit A, from Joswick Hegge:
Is your goods still on sale? Umm...this could be peculiar but you seem to be extremely hot in your listing. Would like to get together occasionally? I'm not a weirdo, just feeling naughty. If you're having thoughts, make contact with me on my private dating profile (it's like facebook for adults), at no cost to sign-up! My photos and my cell # are all on there. After you log on, Im going to send you a private message so you'll know it's me. There are too many fakes on here so if you're legit, text me and become buddies and maybe more? Don't be shy! Alright, I won't trouble you again! 

...exhibit B from Bickley Hopgood:
Hiya, is your stuff still available? I don't usually do this but you sounded sizzling in your list and I'm intrigued in you. I live close by and up for anything. My only fear is that you might be a scammer as CL is full of them. So if you're indeed real, can we chat on my profile page? It's the safest way and super discreet. I'll message you as soon as I see you sign in! ;) 

Only you'll be able to check out my photos and cell # on there so if you enjoy what you see, get hold of me. I apologize to hassle you...life is too short so I had to give this a try. I think you'll be astonished, see you! 


...perhaps i haven't made it clear, craig, that i'm not a sizzling hot, horny, lonely man...or maybe i haven't explained that i'm not looking for naughty sex, a chat, or private dating...nor have i made it clear that i don't have any stuff for sale...i'm simply "looking for" a my little pony tea pot palace play set from a smoke-free home...it's not code for anything...and i shudder thinking what "my little pony" might mean in sex-talk...likewise "tea pot palace"...put them together and perhaps what i've asked for, without my knowledge, is a woman willing to let someone stick the nozzle of a tea pot up her who-ha while whinnying like a horse...

...i wonder who you thought might answer email like these, who wouldn't see right through them for the virus-carriers they really are...poor craig...i had no idea this was what you were into...


...so there's no more confusion, darling, here's a picture of what i was actually looking for...notice there's not a single naked picture of me, or anyone else, as part of this toy...it is a tiny tea pot with an actual toy pony...

...i've since found the tea pot on ebay...and unlike you, he's assured me he won't spam me...

...because your white page with blue links will forever be synonymous with half-naked, middle-aged women who speak in platitudes, i'm not coming back...and i have a feeling, darling, you won't even notice i'm gone...

Comments

  1. We sold a few items when we bought our house (the appliances we were replacing) but I will never go back. Ebay all the way!

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