I Want Boehner's Job

...i'm going to start working the way our representatives work and see what happens...

1. Congress never shows up to work the way normal Americans do. In fact, they take off for the entire month of August. Nearly a full week of every other month is devoted to "constituent work." Right. Boo-hoo, they put in 60 hour work weeks. I once had a colleague who added up all of the time he devoted to each task he completed each day. He found out he was working 29 hours a day.
  • I'm going to start listing my student contact hours as "in my office" or "virtual teaching" and then, I don't know, go to the mall or a U-2 concert.

2. Under the Bush reign, Congress failed to pay for two wars, though our Constitution clearly states that taxes have to be levied to do so. Taxes were cut, thus increasing the national debt.
  • I'm going to tell my students that every assignment they complete must be turned in electronically. Then I'm going to tell them if they use any electronic devices, they'll fail the course.

3.  Congress gives itself pay increases and benefits packages. What might Jefferson have given himself? More slaves. More land. More velvet knickers.
  • I'd like to start voting for my own accommodations at work--an office with a window, zero deductible health care, a salary large enough to support my family on one paycheck.

4. Our representatives can work until they die. Meanwhile, the president has to solve all of the problems they've created in four (maybe eight) years. All other elderly Americans get pushed out of the workplace and become Wal-Mart greeters. John Boehner becoming a Wal-Mart greeter would be one more reason to avoid Wal-Mart.
  • I'm going to stop using all forms of technology in my classrooms. I'll refuse to use e-mail. I'll start making ditto copies. I'll demand a typewriter to replace my computer. My students will be forced into the library where they'll actually hold books in their hands--this is the only way to read! I'm too old to learn new things, and these whippersnappers aren't taking over on my watch.

5. Let me get this straight--they banged a gavel, announced they were in session, and left the chamber? No one in sight. Just so the president couldn't do his job. This is the equivalent of reserving a tennis court, failing to show up to play, and suing the Parks and Rec department when they let someone play on the reserved court.
  • I'm coming to work Monday and putting a note on my office door that I'm inside. Then I'll go home.

6. The popularity of our constituents drops below 10%, yet over 90% of incumbents are reelected. Hum.
  • I have an advisee who has taken the same class twice. And failed twice. By doing the same thing--plagiarizing a paper. But instead of reporting him to the Dean, I'll just allow him to enroll in the class again. Because he says he's gonna change.

7. Many representatives are blatantly sexist and racist. From the comments on rape, to insinuations about "inner city" populations, they don't care who they offend. They're not afraid to share their individual prejudices with the world. And the world isn't afraid to think those sexist and racist comments represent the whole of America.
  • The next time a pregnant African-American student enters my classroom, I'm going to say, "Who's the baby daddy this time? All of the instructors here are saying it's some dude with three other illegitimate kids." Let's see how that goes over.

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