Open Letter #3

dear White Trash Neighbor,

i'm really sorry to hear about your mother's recent stint in the hospital...it seemed pretty serious...especially since there were two ambulances in your driveway for two hours before they rolled her out on the gurney...she's been up and about since then though, right? i could've sworn i saw her driving herself to work yesterday...or was that your sister, the one you told me was moving in to help care for your mom? is that her black buick on the front lawn? did she bring the small grey cat with her? and do the two ponies belong to her or is this a new way of clearing the weeds out of the flower beds? in either case, would you mind keeping them out of my yard? i've scooped up three steaming piles of poo in two days...if i see any more, i'm liable to just chuck it over the fence where it might, possibly, land in your pool...

what, exactly, did you do to your back? when kali came over yesterday she asked if we had any medicine you could have...she said you'd had surgery and were hurting from it...while i do keep a small supply of vicodin in my medicine cabinet--you never know when you'll need a few extra bucks, right?--i was disinclined to share them...if you'd had surgery, wouldn't the doctor have prescribed something for you? or would that violate your parole? i've never been in a rehab or prison, but it seems to me that a doctor might be hesitant to prescribe something to a convicted drug addict, no? i'm no doctor, but if i let you in on my supply of prescription pills i might be accused of conspiring with a criminal...i'm just not willing to take our relationship to that level...sorry

i'm glad to see that your daughters enjoy coming over and playing with my daughter...i've gotten used to their misshapen heads, though i admit they startle me when i first answer the door...i appreciate the fact they bring their 32 ounce kool-aid containers with them...and that they don't spill it on my carpet...i have no problem welcoming them inside where it's cool and no bugs can eat us alive...i had no idea that this would bother you so much, since the kids came knocking...from now on i will keep them outside where the mosquitoes can inoculate them against bird flu and malaria--isn't that what you said about those bites on their legs?

one more thing before i close...while i don't mind the kids playing together outside, and i try to stay out of their play as much as i can, i must point out something disturbing in little jimmy's behavior...clearly feeling left out while the girls decorated my driveway with sidewalk chalk, he came on over, grabbed up all of the yellow, and began to draw...i thought nothing of this until an hour later when your kids were long-gone and i stepped out to water my plants...glaring at me from the foot of my drive was a gigantic, chalk-yellow swastika...now, where i'm from that's a sign of aggression...especially since my initials make me, nearly, a card-carrying member of the chosen people...i've been told that around here the swastika is a symbol of white pride or white power...the equivalent of those morons who wear white caps and gowns and clean up freeways...whatever the "message" little jimmy was trying to send, let me tell you, if i ever see anything like that near my home again little jimmy will get a lesson in the torah, nazis, and the general idiocy of disliking people because of their race...and you'll find more than pony dung in your pool...you've seen the godfather, right?

sincerely,

your Neighbor Who Will Be Gifting You With a Menorah This Winter