The Alpha Bitch

...i'll be 35 this year...when i was 15 that number seemed like a lifetime away...and it was...over the last 20 years i've lived a life so unlike the one i had as a child i sometimes can't believe i'm the same person...i've changed physically--i've gotten wider, my hair's gotten shorter, my skin's gotten redder (thanks, mom)...i've grown up--gotten married, moved from the golden coast, had a child...i've had a slew of people come and go in my life, each one leaving behind some part of themselves with me--my love for show tunes, disneyland, menthol cigarettes, skiing, desert air, basketball, spanish verbs, orange county, silver jewelry, jade, NASA...my loathing of reggie miller (sorry, jerwanda), high heels, trust fund babies, republicans, barbies, and all things chartreuse ...

...and now that my life has turned upside down by events over the last few weeks, i find myself standing not at a crossroads, but a freeway (another thing i miss and love), where the carpoolers veer off to the left and  launch 100 feet over the rest of traffic in their speedy solo lane, while the off-ramps connect to other labyrinth lanes...when i was 15 this picture of my life caused my heart to bounce...i could go anywhere, do anything...i could reinvent myself, shaking off my identity as the daughter of a rapist from a poor desert town...i could take one lane and, if i didn't like it, take another...eventually, i'd make my way into that speedy lane...but i'd never turn around and go back...

...i've been in the carpool lane for years, and now i'm being forced to exit...to merge into general traffic...i'm 35 and i have to figure out what to do with my life all over again...the lanes ahead scare the hell out of me, because each one has 
a warning sign above it...

...growing up, my grandmother always told me, "You can't depend on a damned man.  You have to support yourself"...grandma certainly was bitter about her five failed marriages, true, but even her skewed--down right fucked up--view of the husband-wife dynamic resonates with me...if i'm not bringing in an income, not contributing monetarily to the household, what good am i? for over 20 years this has been my main contribution to my family......since i was 8 years old, i've been working to support myself...

...what else am i?

...i've heard the platitudes and the benefits of being a woman who can stay home...i know that if i devote more time to my kid now she's more likely to be a better adult...but i never wanted to be one of those women...i wanted to get up early, shower, put on a scrubs, charge the workplace, be the alpha bitch, and come home to a house that was clean, a meal that was cooked, pets that were groomed...in short, i wanted a housekeeper named chi-chi and a top position at a hospital...but somewhere around my second year of college, i decided that life wasn't exactly for me...i followed writing, and then didn't know what to do...i have just enough talent to be miserable, not enough to support myself...

...it's time to finish my memoir, give it a good one-two punch in the editing department, and send it off into the world...i know i've got something good...but to dive full-time into writing, with no means of supporting myself, causes a pileup of I-5 proportions...

...whether it was what i planned for myself 20, 15, or 10 years ago, it's happening...i'm going around the pileup, finding my own detour...i'll probably end up in back alleys, on one way streets, crossing rickety bridges...

...each morning i'll get up, shower, put on jeans and a t-shirt, get the kid off to her own world--her own freeway--and charge my writing room...at least inside those four walls i really am the alpha bitch...because i'm the only one there...

Comments

  1. Because you are the only one there...And because you are awesome! (Dorky commenter? I never have anything profound to say, but whatever...I just want you to know I'm reading!)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment