How to Go to Hell

...i was with the in-laws this weekend... *INSERT PUNNY HELL JOKE HERE* ... really the time was calm and pleasant...as calm and pleasant as a house filled with 6 adults, 3 children--aged 5,3, and 1.5--and 1 dog can be...the whipped topping on that huge piece of metaphorical pumpkin pie was that my stuffing sent my father-in-law to the hospital...literally, i nearly killed him (by clogging yet another artery) with Mrs. Cubbisons ... he's on the mend now, though, so i suppose i'll have to try offing him again at christmas...

...while chopping onions for said lethal side dish, i saw a small, dark, glossy, rectangular piece of paper poking out from a larger stack of similar-sized, brightly colored booklets whose covers pontificated the virtues of one god or another...i tugged on the darker paper, only to find it too was a small booklet...on its
cover were flames and huge font proclaiming "WHAT TO DO TO GO TO HELL!"...always looking for good advice, i opened it, and it was blank...

...call me an expert, but i happen to know it takes some effort to go to hell...just to piss people off enough so they say, "Go to hell!" is nearly an art form...and as we know, people are way less sensitive than most gods--especially those that claim to read your mind and damn you just for thinking hellish thoughts...but i digress...doing nothing is not exactly my idea of going to hell...in fact, i've tried my whole life very very very hard to do the exact opposite of nothing and i'm pretty sure i'm going to hell...

...i asked my mother-in-law if i could have the tract and she said, "sure.  did you see the inside?"

...i love the holidays...

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