2012, Year in Review

...i've seen it coming for weeks now...the huge cloud that's been chasing me...it has finally started to run faster...or i've finally just stalled...it mowed me down and now i've got to figure out how to pick myself up...

...it may seem strange to write a year in review when february isn't even over, but for a writer like me, who needs to see the facts in black and white so i can begin to make truth out of them, i need a list...so here it is...

2012, year in review

1. Miscarriage of baby #2...complicated by hemorrhaging and my body's inability (unwillingness?) to completely let go of the fetus...a bloody three-week ordeal ending in a D & C just after midnight on an unassuming thursday

2. My sister's pending divorce...this may not seem like something that should depress me...quite the opposite, i've hated the jerk she's been married to for years and suffered silently for the sake of her kids...i'm proud of my sister for finally leaving the abusive man who stole her soul 13 years ago...but instead of feeling elated, i can't help lament the challenges she now faces...a single mother of two...one child who is special needs...without the money or resources for a proper divorce where she could rake her cheating, law-breaking husband over the coals...i'm saddened that i'm not rich...i'd give her every penny

3. Another Jesus Year breakdown...not my own, but of someone very close to me...it's put me in some seriously uncomfortable situations for the last six months (okay, i know this is supposed to be a 2012 year in review, but, really, cut me some slack)...i'm finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel on this one...but now the adrenaline has worn off and i'm so weary i may shut my eyes and miss it

4. My father-in-law's double bypass surgery...sure, it was probably my gravy and turducken at christmas that contributed to this surgery in january, but i can't say i've been happy about it...i generally like the guy...and seeing my husband cry is not exactly a morale booster

5.  Death of my grandfather...few people know the intimate details of my relationship with this man...he is the only male role model i've ever had...as a child i was not allowed contact with him (thanks, grandma!) but when i turned 18 i reached and he took my hand...we build a very close relationship over the last 16 years...for more on him, see my previous post

6. A workplace environment that, while on the surface presents itself as friendly and welcoming, continues to be hostile toward me and thwarts my professional development...

7. My father has been diagnosed with prostate cancer...ironic, yes...but i can't get my mind around why i'm so saddened by this...he is a dangerous, mentally ill person...still...

...compound these things with the chronic disease i live with, the fact that i had a serious kidney infection in november 2011, and am still suffering from a skin condition that causes redness and itching after i shower, and i'd say i'm just about ready for the body farm...

...if this reads like a pity party, i apologize...yesterday, a very good friend of mine made the comment that she really doesn't see how i'm still able to teach, be a mother and wife, or have time for writing...i don't know either...but i will confess that 2012 has not been a good one for writing...however, my score on tetris is now over 1 million...

I Don't Fly Kites

..when my father was a child, my grandfather adopted him...twenty five years later when my father was incarcerated, my grandfather could've easily washed his hands of me and my sisters...instead, he acted as one of the few male role models i had...after depending on dialysis for ten years--the result of a botched prostate cancer surgery--he died on tuesday morning...i'll be flying out to colorado and driving down to new mexico for his memorial service to be held on tuesday...i will spend my valentine's day delivering my grandfather's eulogy...

...one of the things i hate about having a writing degree is that when something like a eulogy or obituary needs writing i'm the person who is asked to do it...i've spoken at five funerals and delivered two eulogies...granted, stringing words together may be easier for me than other people in my family, but grief makes me reclusive...i've spent the last few days staring at the television (is it on? who cares?) or looking out the windows...

...what i really want to say about my grandfather was he did something for me he didn't have to do...he didn't have to treat me like blood, but he did...and although i never once heard him tell me he loved me--something his generation seemed to have a hard time doing--i knew it always...