Strange Girls

...okay, i'm sure i'm late to this moral crisis, but i've spent the last few days on the couch watching TLC  shows on netflix and i think it's made me dumber than when i started...apparently, the learning channel has become the opposite of actual learning...instead, it's the modern-day equivilant of the turn-of-the-century freak show...it's a televised stroll down the midway of the travelling circus...bearded fat ladies, conjoined twins, elephant men, tattooed women...all those taboos the farmhands came out of the woodwork to observe, we can watch from the safety of our own homes...no one there to see us go in and out of the seedy tents...

...anyone who knows me is aware of my obsession with little people...i'm not sure when it started, but each time a see a vertically challenged individual i want to pick him/her up and put them in my purse...i've never been one to play with dolls, but the allure of small people for me is like that of catnip to cats...not that i would ever rub myself against one, or lick one, or roll around on one...okay, that catnip metaphor was bad...

...i'm not willing to spend my time in hell in the hottest corner by remaining neutral on this topic...i'd rather party with the rest of the interesting sinners...so today i admit to watching children parade on stage in full glitz...my obsession with "strange girls" who sleep around, weigh 750 pounds, or love other girls...to thinking, when i see a man born with no legs but full genitalia, not "how can he live like that, pushing himself around on a skateboard?" but "how does he have sex?"

***

...adam read this post a few hours after it went live and his response was, "that's it?"

"of course," i said "were you expecting some great moral debate simply because i quoted dante?"

he shrugged and went back to his playstation

***

...so here's the great moral debate...dante and i have been friends for nearly a quarter of a century and while i understand that his words, specifically those in the inferno, were used as an attempt to call attention to the hypocrisy and closeted hedonism of the catholic church authority, i see many people in 21st century america using them to justify their own bigotry, ignorance, and hatred (see above paragraphs)...but it especially burns me when i learn of scholars doing this...or, at least people who've used daddy's dime to buy that english minor or phd in literature...they think because they've taken a dante class they're equipped to "teach" dante to their students by pulling out quotes like those above and attempting to apply them to the religion du juor...they define morality by the vague views thrust upon them in sunday school and perpetuated by a close-knit group of friends who've never challenged them to see otherwise...dante was many things, but a soothsayer time-traveler he was not...i'm sure he didn't mean to have his words support southern baptist evangelicals, some of whom spew hatred toward gays, condemn planned parenthood, and actually think jesus wants their daughters to win high-glitz beauty pageant titles...

...and here's another great moral debate...i'm finally, truly, fed up with living in a plutonomy...screw religion being the opiate of the masses...today every item made in china creates a richie rich high for the middle-class...if we can walk into a store and think to ourselves, "i can buy nearly everything in here and still afford dinner," of course we'll let the rich brainwash us into believing what matters and what doesn't...we'll continue to let them wield the power we give them, never thinking for a second that if we'd actually use the power a democracy assures us we have, we might actually begin to live in a society that values people rather than money, hard work over lineage, and--most importantly to me--truth, no matter how hard it is for us to take...

...and of course i think of this now, at the holidays, when so many people around me would have me simply answer the question, "what do you want for christmas?" rather than, "what does this holiday really mean to you?"...no discussion of perpetual hope, the realities of the pagan rituals, who saint nicholas might have been...no parsing of carols or answers to why we put up a tree and continue to wear tacky footwear...just: "tell me what you want so i don't have to think about you again until next year"

really? even turn-of-the-century carnies
didn't know how to use punctuation correctly?

...and along those lines, i get to what's really bothering me: i'm tired of being labelled a "strange girl"...of being placated with junk just to maintain neutrality...if i don't keep my mouth shut about the injustices around me--those going on within my own family, at my husband's work--i won't get that digital meat thermometer...

...so perhaps this post is a call to myself, a challenge to shrug off the niceties and come out swinging...why?...because i was born...

13.1? John 3:16? Who is John Galt?

...a few days ago, i was driving along the 75 freeway and noticed a significant number of SUVs sporting oval stickers reading "13.1"...at first i thought this was a way of bragging about MPG...as in, "my suv gets 13 miles per gallon and to hell with your hybrid, you hippie shit bird"

...but knowing no one in their right mind would brag about sucking natural resources, i scrutinized other stickers affixed to these gas-guzzlers--who were passing me right and left--in an attempt to make sense of something i was clearly missing: a sign of the fish, upward sports, stick families...

...i came home and asked adam, "what is 13.1?"

"what're you talking about?"

"is there a secret christian society of suv drivers with two children and three cats, who play football and follow chapter thirteen, verse one?"

"of what? how should i know?"

"aren't you my authority on this?"

...as usual, my recovering baptist husband scoffed and rolled his eyes, meaning "you're-correct-but-i'm-going-to-act-like-you're-delusional-because-i-don't-know-the-answer"

...maybe these stickers are distant cousins of the sporting event signs reading "john 3:16"...which doesn't make sense to me...why would a football game attendee reference "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that everyone believing in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life"?...is this some voodoo to assure the quarterback isn't sacked? from keeping the right tackle from being hit by lightning?...even for someone who studies metaphor for a living i don't see what everlasting life has to do with football...and how is excluding an entire group of people--those who've never read john 3:16--contribute to the game?...essentially these signs say "if you don't think the way i do, you'll die"...are these 13.1 SUV drivers threatening me in the same way?

...i'm a college-educated person who's read Atlas Shrugged and thinks most people communicate via codes...so i did what anyone in my shoes would do when faced with something they don't understand...i googled it...

...strangely enough, when i typed in "chapter 13 verse 1" i got a hit for the bhagavad gita that read "Arjuna said: O my dear Krishna, I wish to know about nature, the enjoyer, and the field and the knower of the field, and of knowledge and the object of knowledge"...which sounds to me something way more appropriate for football than john 3:16...

...so, of course, i decided to search for 13.1 in every other religious text except the bible...

...from the qu'ran: "These are the Verses of the Book, and that which has been revealed unto you from your Lord is truth, but most men believe not"...sounds very much like john 3:16, so i got stuck there for a while looking at similarities between the qu'ran and the bible...

...from the tipitaka: "And the Blessed One, after having kept the vassa residence, thus addressed the Bhikkus: By wise contemplation, O Bhikkus, and by wise firmness of exertion have I attained the highest emancipation, have I realized the highest emancipation. Attain ye, also, O Bhikkhus, the highest emancipation, realize the highest emancipation, by wise contemplation and by wise firmness of exertion"...again, sounds appropriate for a sporting event...

...from 1 nephi, book of mormon: "And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, saying, 'Look!' And I looked and beheld many nations and kingdoms"...for a second, i was sad a man who believed in this verse didn't take the presidency...not really...

...apparently the communist manifesto has no thirteenth chapter...apologies to my faithful comrades...

...then i got bored and wandered back to the bible (wow, never thought i'd ever write that!)...this is the south after all, and the chances of someone celebrating a world religion are about the same as a baptist preaching at an al qaeda pep rally...

...i got tons of hits, obviously, because the bible--the new and old testaments--are broken into books with their own chapters, nearly each of which contains a thirteenth...ug...way too much to choose from, but here were some of my favorites...

...from 1 corinthians: "If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol"...this might work at high school half-time shows...

...from revelation: "And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and I saw out of the sea a beast coming up, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon its horns ten diadems, and upon its heads a name of evil speaking"...really digging the sy-fy-ness of this part...and sometimes when an SUV honks, it sounds like ten horns...

...from romans: "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities.  For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God"...sounds southern, wanting the government to be ruled by a christian god, rather than having separation of church and state...which is something else i just don't understand...most southerners want the government out of their lives, but if they want god in government, and god is such a big part of their lives, then wouldn't government be integral to their lives?

...my brain was starting to bleed at this point, so i googled "13.1 bumper sticker" which is what i should've done in the first place...and lo and behold all of these SUV driving, upward playing, fish emblem sporting, stick figure bragging people are simply pointing out they've successfully run a half marathon...really, that's it...no secret society, no metaphoric reference, simply a group of people who're proud of their training and dedication...

...boring assholes...

Breaking Up with Craigslist

...it's you, not me...sure, we've had a good relationship...you've provided me with glorious items for my home--love the suede sleeper sofa--and you've allowed me the space to sell the used baby stuff...and i've never had a strange, bad, or awkward encounter...

...that is, craig, until i posted a "looking for" advertisement...which read:

Looking for MLP Tea Pot Palace play set from smoke-free home. This toy is no longer made, and my little girl really wants it for Christmas. Please email me if you have it. Thanks!

...pretty innocuous...not a word about throbbing loins...

...yet you've spammed me with email responses containing self-photos of scantily-clad women, sporting fake nails and tans, holding up their iphone cameras in front of mirrors so i can see them in all their silicone glory...accompanying these photos are ridiculous pleas for attention akin to the worst dive-bar pickup lines...

...exhibit A, from Joswick Hegge:
Is your goods still on sale? Umm...this could be peculiar but you seem to be extremely hot in your listing. Would like to get together occasionally? I'm not a weirdo, just feeling naughty. If you're having thoughts, make contact with me on my private dating profile (it's like facebook for adults), at no cost to sign-up! My photos and my cell # are all on there. After you log on, Im going to send you a private message so you'll know it's me. There are too many fakes on here so if you're legit, text me and become buddies and maybe more? Don't be shy! Alright, I won't trouble you again! 

...exhibit B from Bickley Hopgood:
Hiya, is your stuff still available? I don't usually do this but you sounded sizzling in your list and I'm intrigued in you. I live close by and up for anything. My only fear is that you might be a scammer as CL is full of them. So if you're indeed real, can we chat on my profile page? It's the safest way and super discreet. I'll message you as soon as I see you sign in! ;) 

Only you'll be able to check out my photos and cell # on there so if you enjoy what you see, get hold of me. I apologize to hassle you...life is too short so I had to give this a try. I think you'll be astonished, see you! 

...perhaps i haven't made it clear, craig, that i'm not a sizzling hot, horny, lonely man...or maybe i haven't explained that i'm not looking for naughty sex, a chat, or private dating...nor have i made it clear that i don't have any stuff for sale...i'm simply "looking for" a my little pony tea pot palace play set from a smoke-free home...it's not code for anything...and i shudder thinking what "my little pony" might mean in sex-talk...likewise "tea pot palace"...put them together and perhaps what i've asked for, without my knowledge, is a woman willing to let someone stick the nozzle of a tea pot up her who-ha while whinnying like a horse...

...i wonder who you thought might answer email like these, who wouldn't see right through them for the virus-carriers they really are...poor craig...i had no idea this was what you were into...


...so there's no more confusion, darling, here's a picture of what i was actually looking for...notice there's not a single naked picture of me, or anyone else, as part of this toy...it is a tiny tea pot with an actual toy pony...

...i've since found the tea pot on ebay...and unlike you, he's assured me he won't spam me...

...because your white page with blue links will forever be synonymous with half-naked, middle-aged women who speak in platitudes, i'm not coming back...and i have a feeling, darling, you won't even notice i'm gone...